Drunkest Man on Campus

Every generation has its legends. Ours just happens to be blacked out 90% of the time.

Let’s talk about Richie, the undisputed heavyweight champion of absolutely obliterated. If this man isn’t shotgunning a warm Natty at 11 AM on a Tuesday, check his pulse.

He’s not just drunk. He is the concept of drunk. I’m convinced he’s 60% blood, 40% Fireball. He once tried to Venmo the bartender at a frat party. He called campus security to help himself find his way home. He’s fallen asleep on more lawns than the landscaping crew. If you’ve never seen this guy in cowboy boots, no shirt, and a toga, yelling about the “economy” at 3 AM—you haven’t truly lived.

Rumor has it, he once pregamed an AA meeting.

Some say he’s a liability. Others say he’s a hero. I say he’s a public service. Watching this man operate is like seeing a tornado in a backwards hat.

Richie Winner of the Drunkest Man on Campus