St. Anthony Hall’s LBO of Zete Collapses Amid Due Dil

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA — October 26, 2025

In a stunning reversal, St. Anthony Hall (“Stouse”) has officially pulled out of its long-rumored leveraged buyout of rival fraternity Zeta Psi (“Zouse”), citing “catastrophic due-diligence failures and creative accounting practices that would make Enron blush.”

Sources close to the deal say Stouse’s executive board had been preparing a full acquisition financed largely by “late-night bags and speculative IOUs.” However, the buyout team reportedly discovered several “material weaknesses” in Zouse’s balance sheet, including unpaid ket budgets, misvalued hazing assets, and an unrecorded contingent liability related to a broken porch swing.

“Everything looked solid until we opened the books,” said one Stouse analyst, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Once we saw their debt-to-beer ratio, we knew the model wasn’t sustainable.”

The failed deal sent shockwaves through the broader Greek Life private-equity ecosystem. Observers note that the setback could delay future mergers among other social organizations, including a rumored Sigma–DKE joint venture codenamed Project Birds.

Zouse leadership remained defiant in a brief statement: “Our fundamentals remain strong, our vibes immaculate, and our kitchen tab flexible. We reject any suggestion of insolvency.”

Meanwhile, Stouse’s leadership team is reportedly regrouping, exploring alternative investments such as mezzanine financing for the next Turret party.