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University:  Pennsylvania State University, University Park - PSU

Greek Organization:  Tau Epsilon Phi

Author:  TEP TEP TEP

Comment:  It was a Thursday night—technically not a party night, but the house was already vibrating with bad EDM. I walk in the door, and before I can even get inside, Jake comes barreling toward me with a Natty Light in one hand and zero balance in his legs. He screams at me: “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU CINDER BLOCK!”…and then immediately trips over a chair, spilling beer directly onto his own shoes. He keeps screaming, though, like that somehow proves he didn’t just lose a fight to gravity. Jameson is on the couch, wearing a mesh shirt that looks like it belongs to a backup dancer from a 2000s Britney Spears tour. He’s holding a Cucumber vodka and sighs dramatically: “These people give off straight people in line at Chipotle vibes.” Meanwhile, Sarcone decides it’s the perfect time to test out his “new bit,” which apparently involves him duct-taping a traffic cone to his head and announcing, “I AM NOW A TRAFFIC CONE.” He then stands in the middle of the living room, blocking people and shouting things like, “YIELD, COWARDS!” At one point, Jake—still drunk and angry—tries to wrestle Sarcone for the traffic cone crown. Instead, he rips the duct tape, gets it stuck in his hair, and somehow ends up with the cone wedged on his head. Jameson records the whole thing, whispering into his phone, “This is art.” And then, because the frat house gods love chaos, the smoke alarm goes off—not because of a fire, but because someone put a Pop-Tart in the toaster with the wrapper still on it. Everyone panics except me, who calmly eats the burnt Pop-Tart like this is just another Thursday. When the cops finally show up for a noise complaint, Jake and I greet them at the door and he’s still wearing the cone helmet and yells: “WELCOME TO MY KINGDOM. THIS IS MY ROYAL ADVISOR.” Jake follows in his dads footsteps and goes to jail.